37 Days till my 40th Birthday!!!!

I swear it was only yesterday I was celebrating 30. Lol Wishful thinking!!!

So the countdown really begins.

Here's hoping to a great lead in to entering a new decade.

Thought of you today

I thought of you today, but that is nothing new. I thought about you yesterday and days before that too. I think of you in silence, I often speak your name. All I have is memories and a picture in a frame. Your memory is a keepsake in which I'll never part. God has you in his keeping, I have you in my heart....

RIP Avo

Fat, Ugly and a Bitch

So recently I was called a Fat, Ugly, Bitch. Some may take that offensively and I, well here are my thoughts on that.

1. I never said I wasn’t fat. But I’m in the process of making that change.
2. Bitch? I never said I wasn’t and honestly will be the first one to tell you that I am.
3. Ugly? To be honest I don’t think I’m ugly at all.

Ugly is the attitude in which I was told these things. Ugly is the fact that the person who called me these names had to hide behind an anonymous screen name. Said person usually does this on a regular basis. Anyone that has to tear someone down so that they can feel empowered or strong is nothing but pathetic. It’s that kind of ugly attitude that makes people feel nothing for you.

So you may feel those things for me but heres the thing. I can change my weight, I can even be less bitchy if I so choose but you will always have the ugliest attitude and be surrounded by complete negativity. No one wants to be around that kind of ugly.

So hate me, dislike me or whatever. I rightly don’t care, what remorse, guilt I had has been diminished by the childishness that has gone on over the last few months. Enjoy your life and move on like the rest of us.

LETTING GO TAKES LOVE

• To let go does not mean to stop caring, it means I can't do it for someone else.
• To let go is not to cut myself off, it's the realization I can't control another.
• To let go is not to enable, but allow learning from natural consequences.
• To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.
• To let go is not to try to change or blame another, it's to make the most of myself.
• To let go is not to care for, but to care about.To let go is not to fix, but to be supportive.
• To let go is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.
• To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their destinies.
• To let go is not to be protective, it's to permit another to face reality.
• To let go is not to deny, but to accept.
• To let go is not to nag, scold or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
• To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
• To let go is not to criticize or regulate anybody, but to try to become what I dream I can be.
• To let go is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.
• To let go is to fear less and love more
• Remember: The time to love is short

My life is full of random moments that fit together perfectly. The truth is you DONT know what is going to happen tomorrow. Life is a crazy ride, and nothing is guaranteed. People will NEVER forget what you said, people will NEVER forget how you made them feel. Kiss your life. Accept it, just as it is. Today. Now. So that those moments of happiness you're waiting for dont pass you by. A FRIEND is someone who understands your past, believes in your future, and accepts you just the way you are. Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind dont matter and those who matter dont mind. NEVER let go of the things that make you SMILE. Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some stay for awhile and leave footprints on our hearts. And we are never, ever the same. Laugh your heart out and dance in the rain. Cherish the memories, ignore the pain. Love and learn. Forgive and forget, cuz remember that you only have one life to live!

87 days till my 40th bday

The weekend is here and I’m really looking forward to forgetting about business. I love what I do, and where I do it but the stress has been unbearable. I don’t know if I’m coming or going sometimes. Hopefully 2010 will get better; it’s started out pretty rough already, with earthquakes, tsunamis and more job losses. How we are going to survive all this is beyond me. I try to keep the faith and it’s extremely hard. For every step forward I take, it seems I take 3 back and feel like I’m drowning. Hopefully I can work through all this and things will get better.

I was driving around today doing some errands and as I stuffed McD’s french fries into my mouth I thought of how heavy I was and how disgusting I felt. Funny thing though I didn’t stop eating the french fries. I cannot for the life of me figure out why my brain acts so damn stupid!! I know I need to lose the weight, hell I even know how to lose the weight but something stops me. What can possibly stop someone from feeling good, looking good and just well being healthy? If I could afford counseling I would be all over it but sadly that is not in my budget. How do I get past this mental block? How in the world do people do it? And please don’t tell me, eat right and exercise. I KNOW THAT! How do people get through the reasons why they over eat? There are reasons for some of it. I know I’m an emotional eater, a bored eater and a stress eater. I actually get jealous when people say they are so stressed they have lost 10lbs in a week. I know it’s silly but I can’t lose 10lbs a year but I can sure as hell put on 5lbs just looking at a bag of chips. The insanity must stop!!! I can’t do this anymore. I have to find it in me to make the changes, stop the madness and get healthy. Heck I even looked into going on the biggest loser but I’m far too insecure to do anything remotely so out in the open. There is no way I could put myself out there like that.

WAIT! While this is not TV, I am putting my business out on the net. Interesting…See I’m all over the place. Anyways, this weekend should be interesting. My Vozinha is celebrating her 90^th bday and we are picking up my parents new puppy on Sunday. Should be exciting, I hope. I also have a midterm in Accounting which is so over my head it’s ridiculous. Add to that the stress of work and life in general and it’s just worse.

On top of that I spoke to my god mother and my Avo in Boston is not doing so well. I’m not sure why my mother isn’t telling us everything or maybe she doesn’t know everything either but from what I understand Avo is just very weak. I’m extremely sad that this vivacious woman is not 100% bed ridden and rarely talks to anyone anymore. I’m grateful for having seen her last January and I’m not sure I can bring myself to see her now while she is in this state. The day we get the call she is has become an angel, will be one of the saddest days of my life. She is the only grandmother I have ever been close to. Even though she is 3000 miles away. She is truly my hero. I love her to pieces and can’t imagine life without her and I’m afraid of what this loss will do to my mother.

My Avo and I, January 2009, her 86th Bday

On a good note, our family is expecting another little one. My little sister is pregnant again with their second child and due in Sept. I’m so very excited. My niece and nephews bring me the brightest of days and make me smile no matter how miserable I think the day has gone. They remind me to laugh when I want to cry, to smile when I frown and to remember that every day is blessing and should be cherished without hesitation.

So for my 40^th year on this earth, I’m going to do my best to live my life completely and happily even with the little mishaps along the way. I’m blessed..I have a family I love and adore, friends that make my world brighter and a little furbaby that loves me unconditionally.

<3 Till next time

2010

The year 2010 started off like any other year lately. A family party, filled with laughter and family love, a small get together with my immediate family and a weekend filled with nothing exciting. I had a lot of expectations for 2010, but almost 2 months in, I realized my expectations were far too high.

I started school in mid January. My heaviest course load so far and it’s been quite a challenge being in school in the mornings and in school with kids a minimum of 20 years younger than me. It’s a challenge yet it’s actually kind of nice looking at the world in the eyes of the kids that are just out of high school. Even though there are times where I want to throw my book at them and tell them to get out of their bubble and see the real world. But how do I know their world is just like mine? How do I know if this is their reality?

I do wish some of these kids would take school seriously. I can't believe how many of them pop into class anywhere from 10 minutes to 45 minutes late to a 2 hour class.. I mean seriously, why bother coming to class at all. As an adult I think god this is so disturbing to the rest of the class and then I remember what it was like to be that age and wonder if I was the same way or did I take my own advice and just cut..lol I probably just cut!

I have met some really good kids in classes and some pretty good teachers this semester. I think in the end it will be a good semester for me and a good dent into my finishing my course loud. Although my online course is a struggle. I hate it actually. As much as I love being on the computer, doing a course without a lecture or a teacher sitting in front of me..I’m completely at a loss.

Life in general is moving along. For every 2 steps forward I feel like I take 3 or 4 back. I feel like a complete failure sometimes and sometimes I just feel like giving up. It’s a struggle day to day to just maintain any kind of positive attitude in life and in myself in general. Don’t get me wrong I love my family and the friends that I have and I would never want to lose any of it. But there are some days I just want to crawl into a dark cave and hibernate. I’m sure many of us have those same days and well its natural right. While we should all be positive, it’s hard to be positive 100% of the time.

I’m about 3 months shy of turning 40 and I’m scared to death to look at that day and look back and wonder what I’ve done with my life. Right now it feels like I’ve done nothing. Everything I had worked so hard to achieve is gone and I’m flapping about with nothing to show for it. Hopefully 2010 is as prosperous as we wished it to be. Right now the silver lining is not showing and I worry not just about myself but my family.

Hopefully I can keep up with this blog…