The weekend is here and I’m really looking forward to forgetting about business. I love what I do, and where I do it but the stress has been unbearable. I don’t know if I’m coming or going sometimes. Hopefully 2010 will get better; it’s started out pretty rough already, with earthquakes, tsunamis and more job losses. How we are going to survive all this is beyond me. I try to keep the faith and it’s extremely hard. For every step forward I take, it seems I take 3 back and feel like I’m drowning. Hopefully I can work through all this and things will get better.
I was driving around today doing some errands and as I stuffed McD’s french fries into my mouth I thought of how heavy I was and how disgusting I felt. Funny thing though I didn’t stop eating the french fries. I cannot for the life of me figure out why my brain acts so damn stupid!! I know I need to lose the weight, hell I even know how to lose the weight but something stops me. What can possibly stop someone from feeling good, looking good and just well being healthy? If I could afford counseling I would be all over it but sadly that is not in my budget. How do I get past this mental block? How in the world do people do it? And please don’t tell me, eat right and exercise. I KNOW THAT! How do people get through the reasons why they over eat? There are reasons for some of it. I know I’m an emotional eater, a bored eater and a stress eater. I actually get jealous when people say they are so stressed they have lost 10lbs in a week. I know it’s silly but I can’t lose 10lbs a year but I can sure as hell put on 5lbs just looking at a bag of chips. The insanity must stop!!! I can’t do this anymore. I have to find it in me to make the changes, stop the madness and get healthy. Heck I even looked into going on the biggest loser but I’m far too insecure to do anything remotely so out in the open. There is no way I could put myself out there like that.
WAIT! While this is not TV, I am putting my business out on the net. Interesting…See I’m all over the place. Anyways, this weekend should be interesting. My Vozinha is celebrating her 90th bday and we are picking up my parents new puppy on Sunday. Should be exciting, I hope. I also have a midterm in Accounting which is so over my head it’s ridiculous. Add to that the stress of work and life in general and it’s just worse.
On top of that I spoke to my god mother and my Avo in Boston is not doing so well. I’m not sure why my mother isn’t telling us everything or maybe she doesn’t know everything either but from what I understand Avo is just very weak. I’m extremely sad that this vivacious woman is not 100% bed ridden and rarely talks to anyone anymore. I’m grateful for having seen her last January and I’m not sure I can bring myself to see her now while she is in this state. The day we get the call she is has become an angel, will be one of the saddest days of my life. She is the only grandmother I have ever been close to. Even though she is 3000 miles away. She is truly my hero. I love her to pieces and can’t imagine life without her and I’m afraid of what this loss will do to my mother.
My Avo and I, January 2009, her 86th Bday
On a good note, our family is expecting another little one. My little sister is pregnant again with their second child and due in Sept. I’m so very excited. My niece and nephews bring me the brightest of days and make me smile no matter how miserable I think the day has gone. They remind me to laugh when I want to cry, to smile when I frown and to remember that every day is blessing and should be cherished without hesitation.
So for my 40th year on this earth, I’m going to do my best to live my life completely and happily even with the little mishaps along the way. I’m blessed..I have a family I love and adore, friends that make my world brighter and a little furbaby that loves me unconditionally.
<3 Till next time
