I still miss you....

I’ve changed the presets in my truck

So those old songs don’t sneak up

They still find me and remind me

Yeah, you come back that easy

Try restaurants I’ve never been to

Order new things off the menu

That I never tried cause you didn’t like

Two drinks in you were by my side

I’ve talked to friends

I’ve talked to myself

I’ve talked to God

I prayed liked hell but I still miss you

I tried sober I tried drinking

I’ve been strong and I’ve been weak

And I still miss you

I’ve done everything move on like I’m supposed to

I’d give anything for one more minute with you

I still miss you

I still miss you baby

I never knew til you were gone

How many pages you were on

It never ends I keep turning

And line after line and you are there again

I don’t know how to let you go

You are so deep down in my soul

I feel helpless so hopeless

Its a door that never closes

No, I don’t know how to do this

I’ve talked to friends

I’ve talked to myself

I’ve talked to God

I prayed liked hell but I still miss you

I tried sober I tried drinking

I’ve been strong and I’ve been weak

And I still miss you

I’ve done everything

Move on like I’m supposed to

I’d give anything for one more minute with you

I still miss you…, yeah…

I’ve talked to friends

I’ve talked to myself

I’ve talked to God

I prayed liked hell but I still miss you…

I tried sober I tried drinking

I’ve been strong and I’ve been weak

And I still miss you

I’ve done everything

Move on like I’m supposed to

I’d give anything for one more minute with you

I still miss you…

I still miss you…

I still miss you……yeah…, yeah…

One thing I learned this weekend is that life is short. Really short and it doesn’t matter how old you are, how healthy you are or not healthy. When its your time its your time. Over the last 6 months I have known or have lost people in my life from natural causes or illness. I have found out that some people I have known all my life are having the battle of their life with cancer or other diseases that are killing them daily. It didn’t matter that they were young, old, bad karma or whatever. It makes me realize that no matter what is going in my world that there is someone out there who is in a worse position then me, unhealthier then me or grieving someone near and dear to their heart.

This weekend a very dear friend of mine is battling diabetes and acute pancreatis and is on a ventilator to help her breath and try and get her vitals under control. She is 24 years and vegetarian. She’s got a heart of gold, will give you the world if she can and yet here she is battling to stay alive while her loved ones pray that she will open her beautiful eyes and give us her big beautiful smile again.

Is life tough right now? Definitely, the economy is barely survivable. Can I change my life to make it a positive one? Of course I can and will do my best to live life completely and fully. Life is short, live it, love it and be grateful for all that we have. We only have one life to live and if we don’t live it, its taken sooner then we think.

Take a moment, tell those you care about that you love them, tell those your angry at that you forgive them and most importantly forgive yourself for all that you think you’ve done wrong. Love yourself so that you have the ability to love others.

Turning 40.....

That’s it! I’m 40! Who knew it would come that quick. LOL I swear it was only yesterday I was celebrating my 21st birthday at my cousins house with friends and family and now I’m suddenly 40 years old. WTF!!! I don’t feel 40. Ok well sometimes I feel old but for the most part I feel pretty good. I will say that once I turned 21, time flew by. People use to tell me that once you hit 21 time flies. The years go by quickly and before you know it your in your 40s. Well they were right.

Its been fun watching friends of mine as well as myself move into the 40 club. They say 40 is the new 30. We’ll see how that goes.

I spent a quiet night at home on my actual birthday with my family. Dinner, cake and just giggles with the kids. I was completely overwhelmed by the birthday wishes on facebook. Amazing how many people pay attention to the fact that your birthday is listed on your profile. It truly made me feel special if only for one day and I appreciated every best wishes that I received that day. It made what started off a bad day into a really nice day.

I finished my bday celebrations on Saturday night at a local club here called the Saddlerack. A country club that has some of the most eclectic crowd and music I have ever seen. You walk in, you feel comfortable, you dance, sing, drink and just all in all have a good time listening to the live music and the dj.
I realized that night that I’m surrounded by people who love, support me and really and truly want nothing but the best for me. They made me night special, made me laugh and made me feel like I was the only special one in the club. For that I’m forever grateful. Its always nice to feel like your wanted or the center of someone's life even if only for just a few minutes!

In the end I had a great birthday and I’m looking forward to what jumping into a new decade will bring me. I know its easy to feel like I have nothing to show for my first 40 years but then I remember where I’ve been and where I want to go and I realize that I’m okay. I’m blessed with an amazing and loving family and some of the best friends a girl can have.

Thank you for making my celebration so memorable!

Religulous

While in school we have had to write reading journals about readings, movies and topics that we discuss. This one really had me thinking and I thought I would post it. I am on some level catholic even though non practicing. I'm not against or for religion as a whole..just have a lot of questions.

written 04/26/10 for English

Watching Religulous made me realize how many questions about religion I do have. I mean why we believe in something that has never truly been proven. No one can actually answer if there was an Adam and Eve who created humanity. Why do we follow the preaching’s of something that was written by man regarding an entity that creates miracles, life and judges upon on our last day on earth? This person who sends us to a better place after death yet, causes war, catastrophes’ and fatal illnesses amongst people of all ages?

As a child I was raised catholic, went to church and went through the religious rites that my parents believed in. I followed the rules set forth by the church and didn’t ask any questions. As I got older though I found that I had issues with some of the rules and the idea that I had to go to a church and put my faith into one sole person who lived a life of celibacy and completely different then what they preached. I was told to confess my sins in order to receive the body of Christ. To confess to a man who has been ordained a priest, who has taken this vow and has the ability to judge me and what he thinks is a sin. Some of these men are men, who truly found inner peace as Gods messenger, but there are some who are hiding from their sexuality, there are pedophiles and men who do not abide by their celibacy vow and sleep with random women in their congregations. These men while may not be many have no business judging me and forgiving me in my opinion.

In Religulous I did notice that bill Maher seemed to stick to many overzealous religious people. Those that can’t be swayed, who won’t or don’t tolerate anything remotely questioning their god or bible. Why are we so intent on believing in this without research, without question? Why must we listen to the ramblings of others at face value but aren’t allowed to ask questions? My thought is that they really don’t know the answers. They can’t give us a firm answer on whether this was real.

Religion does have some good qualities. It gives people inner peace during tough times in life, in death and when they are sick. But in the same token it has created wars in the name of religion, violent murders and racism. I’m still trying to figure out how to balance all the bad with the good it can bring.

Having faith in God, Allah, Buddha, etc.is a wonderful thing. Everyone should have faith and how ever you find peace within yourself is your business. My problem with any religion is the pushing of your thoughts and beliefs on other people. What may work for you, may not work me or anyone else. For me having faith doesn’t mean that I can preach versus in the bible, go to church every Sunday or even know all the prayers. Faith for me comes from within me. I believe what I believe and I talk to god in my way and when I feel the need is there. Sometimes it’s because I’m praying for a friend, family member or even me and sometimes it’s just to say thank you for giving me the strength and faith to get through the tough times.

Heavy Heart

This morning I woke up with a heavy heart. I realized that as I got up that we were coming up on the month anniversary of my Avo's death. I held her cross necklace that now adorns my neck and wished for a good day. It was while I was searching through my purse that I found the card my mother had brought back to me from the wake and the poem on it brought tears to my eyes and reminded me yet again how much I missed her.

God saw you getting tired

and a cure was not to be

So he put his arms around you

and whispered "Come to me".

With tearful eyes we watched you,

and saw you pass away.

Although we loved you dearly,

we could not make you stay.

A golden heart stopped beating

Hard working hands at rest

God broke our hearts

to prove to us

He only takes the best.

by Rogers Funeral Home

37 Days till my 40th Birthday!!!!

I swear it was only yesterday I was celebrating 30. Lol Wishful thinking!!!

So the countdown really begins.

Here's hoping to a great lead in to entering a new decade.

Thought of you today

I thought of you today, but that is nothing new. I thought about you yesterday and days before that too. I think of you in silence, I often speak your name. All I have is memories and a picture in a frame. Your memory is a keepsake in which I'll never part. God has you in his keeping, I have you in my heart....

RIP Avo